Rückkehr

Last night I arrived back in Munich, half-heartedly unpacked one bag, devoured an obscene amount of chocolate-covered almonds and raisins and cooked dinner with friends. Winter break in Zürich proved very enjoyable, and I am astonished at how little English I spoke during the past two weeks. Typing in English to a friend on Skype was more difficult than it should of been and I had to sound out the words in my head for a few minutes before regaining my grasp on my first language.

Today I had my literature course and then an appointment with my professor afterwards, of course with time for a cafe break in between. I am still surprised by how unbelievably long the vacation felt, and I had an emotional happy moment in the train on the way back. I was listening to Bon Iver and contemplating so-called important topics, and it hit me really hard and very intensely, the realization that I have achieved one of my most important life goals. Learning German, being here, connecting very intimately with my family and with my heritage all solidify my Swiss and German identity. Learning and really loving both the language and culture, in spite of and in a large part due to the flaws, has taught me that understanding the ways in which a country is far from perfect is necessary. Being able to appreciate what said country offers after confronting this truth is what determines your opinion of it, and in turn its impact upon yourself.

Not having to constantly think before speaking German, being able to understand all the films, as well as many of the nuances and jokes has been very incredible. Less glorious has been accepting that I will never understand it all in the way that I do with English. It is not second nature, but it is feeling more natural. I am also over the surge of pride for being from the US that I experienced after Obama's election. It was really important to identify as an American and recognize the incredible and unique aspects of that culture while deciding that it was the one I felt most comfortable with. The happiness is still there, but the emotion has dulled down to leave room for other discoveries, other developments. I still identify as an American, but more strongly than ever as a Swiss-American.

My Oma left Germany in 1948, I learned. I thought it was 1945, directly after the war. However, she was trying to leave for a long time, and she ended up fleeing on a bicycle into the mountains as the Russians came. She lost her suitcase because the Red Cross ambulance that took it for her was blown up, as was her mother's expensive jewelry inside. She was then able to get on a train, but she wouldn't have been able to make it into West-Germany if the man next to her hadn't pretended that they were married.

I often hear the same stories from my Oma, and during my visit in October as well as the trip during freshman year, I began to learn more in depth about what she experienced. Yet it is all still very new because my Oma can speak beautifully and quickly in German. She can do this in English, too, but I believe she recalls more when we are already speaking German.

Eating vegetable soup, curried soy wurst and fresh-baked pretzels with cousins in Biberach.

I was also in Biberach, Germany, for a long weekend. I met a daunting amount of family members that I had never been introduced to before, as they were "angeheiratet" or related through marriage. They were shockingly cool, all vegetarian, super liberal, wonderfully sarcastic and well, German. I had never felt so at home in such a brief amount of time before. The whole experience left me with a vague desire to call out "You are my people!" I love the crassness that comes with large families, the unabashed discussion of politics, sex and death and the amount of love and support that is evident in the way family members gaze at one another. During that weekend I went ice-skating on the frozen lake, played a myriad of pseudo-personality divulging games, dined well, played with small children, gossiped with other young and older adults, talked politics, cooked a monstrously large and delicious vegetable soup, saw a film with a second-cousin and relaxed.

I have, as it were, become acclimated. The adjustment was insanely rapid and about 85% of it happened within the first three months, but that last 15% was as slow as molasses dripping and just now caught up.


White Light (Graves in Lee Vinging, Ca.) from greg olin on Vimeo.

Zürich, Berlin

I just returned today from Zürich, Switzerland, where I was visiting my relatives during a short break before classes start. Last week, the entire group was in Berlin, and this was incredible. It feels like many other big cities, but all over you can feel the presence of history. For example, in front of many of the houses, there are golden bricks in the ground with the names of Jews who lived there and were sent to concentration camps during WWII. There is also a huge gap between two apartment buildings where a building that was destroyed in the war existed. On the side of the two remaining buildings, the names of the people are listed in the place where their homes once were.

It was also incredible to see remaining bits of the Wall, especially since I wrote my Internal Assessment senior year on art in East and West Berlin and the symbolic importance of the Berlin Wall in determining the divergent artistic styles. Aside from the historical significance, Berlin is also amazing for art, music, second hand shops, international and cheap cuisine, museums and public transportation. I kept saying, "ich könnte hier gerne wohnen" - I could happily live here.

I saw one opera [Bertolt Brecht, The Three Penny Opera], one play [in Spanish with German translation projected on the wall], and one musical [Linie 1 about the subway and East/West Berlin in the 1980s]/ Really good, cheap food exists all over in Berlin, as well as fancy cafes. I ate so many Döners (like gyros) from a stand near our hostel in Kreuzberg (formerly the American sector during the Cold War), as well as raspberries, carrots, almonds and couscous from a cute market on the corner.

So Berlin is amazing and I really want to return. It is nice to be in Munich, though, and it was wonderful to be in Zürich just recently, as it felt more like home than ever before because I can actually speak the language. It is so incredible to speak with my relatives in German. I feel like I get so much more out of the conversation and can really appreciate their company.

Also, in Munich I have really started to make a life for myself. There are so many people to connect with and I feel like I am waking up and discovering life like I never have before. It is weird, to think that you have a firm grip on who you are and what you want in life, and to then realize that you are nowhere near finished deciding. I see now that I do not have to plan everything in this hyper-linear fashion and that no one is making me do anything. When a person is so internally driven and does not question why s/he does something but instead feels that it is both necessary and the next obvious step (e.g. college), it goes somewhat unquestioned. It feels odd to be in the questioning space again.