On [Re]settling

It has been extraordinarily surreal coming back to Portland and being at Lewis & Clark (College) once again. The taxi ride from the airport was the most extreme - and justly caused - bout of déja vu I had ever experienced. The driver was none other than the kind Russian man who drove my father and me the first time I came to Portland ever, and the third, when I returned alone. I would have been so agitated if I took the MAX first, what with the wait time, heavy luggage and more sitting in moving objects.

I had the most bizarre, sleep-deprivation induced dreams on the plane. One of them had me in an airbus, which my actual plane was as well, but it had a variety of transformative qualitites and at the end of the trip, we reached a tunnel in which the airplane mutated into a train/bus-like machine and we had to crawl up through the crevices like reverse spelunking. Another part of the dream was my imagined arrival in Portland. I flew over the city in the airbus - before I knew its true nature - and watched as every European city I had visited in the past year morphed to form a super city, with monuments and buildings from all, plus glorious bodies of water. There were some recognizable Portland elements and we flew through the streets, which were reminiscent of Seattle or San Francisco in hilliness.

I was and still am so overjoyed to be back in PDX. The day after my arrival, I went to a show at Mississippi Studios with my friend Sandra. Talkdemonic, a stunning Portland band, headlined the show. The opening band, Deelay Ceelay, had a visualizer with images related to the lyrics or electronic melody of the music. The second band, Church, was pretty fabulous, and the members moved like dinosaur puppets. The funny and interesting remark of how easily one could guess what a person is like while sexually intimate based on his/her moves onstage came up during the pause in performances. Honestly, try it sometime. You'll see.

You can sample some of the music and read a small blurb about the event here: http://www.melophobe.com/concert-reviews/talkdemonic-deelay-ceelay-church-mississippi-studios-portland-or/

While reacclimating, I came to the realization that I am now far less concerned about self-image than I was before Munich. Also, I have stopped feeling the need to edit or modify others, or be wary and nervous regarding how their appearance or behavior reflects on me through my association with them. It's much easier now to take people as they are without constantly [mentally] nit-picking or attempting to edify. Unlike my pre-college or even pre-Munich self, I don't give a damn anymore about others' hair length or preferred style of dress, and I stress less over whether two people I care about are completely harmonious in conversation. Instead I focus on whether they are kind to one another and there is platonic, romantic or familial love there to make the interaction and my reaction a calm, positive one. I have stopped obsessing over what my family thinks of whom I date, and in doing so, I have freed myself of a great deal of emotional unease and also happened to notice that the person I am now dating respects and is respected by my family.

This weekend was just as glorious as the last. I had a chance to enjoy the Belmont Street Fair, the sun, many cafés, some time to myself and much-needed biking from the college to SE. I no longer feel robbed of a Portland summer, as I was lucky enough to experience falling in love with this city all over again. I think it's happened four times now, whenever I return or feel newly free.